The Parenting Factor

One of the most common causes of conflict in marriages is conflict over different parenting styles. Debra wants to send Bobby to the church preschool, Mark wants him to go to the preschool at the end of the block. George thinks Megan should be grounded for coming home late, Barbara believes it won’t happen again and grounding is too harsh. Laura was raised in a home that encouraged autonomy and independence. Luke was raised with strict rules and parents that demanded to know the who, what, where and why at all times. Constant arguing over these issues have led to frequent arguments, tension and children that try to play on their parent’s differences to get what they want.

What are parents to do? First and foremost, it is important to remember that there is no one right way to parent. When you had your first child, you weren’t given a handbook. You brought your baby home armed with the knowledge of what you knew from your own parents growing up – what you liked and what you grew up determined to do differently. You know what to do from watching other parents and you know what your own beliefs are. Remember that if your spouse has different beliefs, these beliefs are not right or wrong, good or bad. Just different.

Thus, how do parents resolve these differences? Through the two big C’s. Communication and Compromise. It is vitally important to talk with your spouse often regarding parenting issues. It is important for both parents to know issues that are going on with children and to have discussion on how, as parents, you will handle those situations. Sometimes there are no negative situations to discuss and it is refreshing to talk about the good things that are happening in your children’s lives. Often, it also helps to go over the weekly schedule to ensure that transportation is covered and both parents are on the same page in regards to where children need to be and when. Sometimes finding time to talk is extremely difficult in today’s busy households. The key is that you have to schedule time, just as you schedule meetings at work and play dates for the kids. Sometimes this means getting up a half hour early or going to bed a few minutes later in order to achieve this. For divorced parents, it is often helpful to schedule monthly or bi-monthly meetings in a neutral location to cover parenting issues and schedules.

The more spouses communicate, the more able they are to compromise on any parenting dispute. When you know and understand where your partner is coming from, and the reasons behind their actions, it is much easier to meet them halfway and be able to develop compromises. When you and your spouse find that you are running into continuous conflict surrounding the same issue over and over again, it is helpful to sit down with a parenting expert to help the two of you work it out.

At the end of the day, increased communication about parenting will translate into increased communication in other areas of your marriage. Communicating spouses typically have more successful marriages and a successful marriage is a happy marriage.